Last night we held a combined bachelor/bachelorette party for some good friends. We had planned to take a sunset cruise on Lake Ontario on a lovely catamaran dubbed, “Wild Hearts”. The name is so seductive, it makes you fall in love instantly; and then vomit a little. After the cruise the plan was to go to a bar for cocktails overlooking the lake.
Now, this was also important as it was only the second time my husband and I have been out ALONE, without child, since she was born and she’s almost 9 months old. NINE MONTHS. Unfortunately, things didn’t go quite as planned.
First, we fought off Thunder and Lighting.
Then a hail storm.
Then a tornado.
Then a monsoon.
Listen Lady, this is the middle of July. In Western New York. Usually we just see large bugs.
After about 30 minutes of this weather, the sunset cruise got canceled. We gave up on the whole lake thing and changed our course of action to dinner and drinks at a local hibachi restaurant. Happily,we got to dine with Buddha and learn his wisdom. I even rubbed his belly.
We closed down the restaurant and headed over to a local martini bar where we were first greeted by a clown. Now, lets take this side tangent for a minute. I HATE CLOWNS. H-A-T-E. WITH A PASSION. They freak me out like nobody’sbusiness. Did you know that one of the most famous serial killers was a career clown and that’s how he picked out his victims. I rest my case.
After the clown incident, we were greeted by a lovely blond slut. Now, I say that in the nicest way possible. She came up to the bride-to-be and got about 2 millimeters from her face. (Ever seen the close-talker on seinfield? Yep, this was a close talker). This inflatable bimbo, with the most disgusting smile, was all “my friend booked a birthday party and she wants to be the only princess here.” Accordingly, I blinked.
I held back my tongue because as most of you know, I CANNOT stand girly things or princesses and I would have been every bit justified in simply knocking this blow up doll into next week. I very polietly informed the blond that her friend was going to have to deal and we were going to the back deck for a martini.
Five Martini’s later we decided to call it a night and get the tipsy bride-to-be back home. This is how far we got her before she collapsed. She spent the rest of the night sleeping here.
All in all, a great night and the perfect end to single life. Here’s to marriage!