That will require a tourniquet.
Last week I spent my days in a training class for work, so my desk looked like it projectile voimted paper, post-it notes, and notepads. The volcanic eruption required a few minutes of my attention this morning to get things back to “normal” state for me; which is really only a version of semi-chaotic. In my attempt to clean/organize all these notes I went to grab a pile of paper and sure enough, I incurred a physical injury. PAPERCUT.
Commence arterial bleeding! I NEED A NURSE STAT! I quickly called the red cross to make sure they had a hefty supply of my blood type available. My forehead and hands were getting all clamy as I performed delicate surgery to cover the laceration and put pressure on the blood flow. No?
Ok, I exaggerate a little. Listen Lady, I was able to parse my hand back together with a kleenix and some scotch tape, but it’s more the actual thought of the papercut that drives me insane. I hate papercuts; despise them. I shutter just thinking about them and the way they have of slicing through delicate skin. It makes my skin crawl and I just want to assume the fetal position in a corner.
I react like a whacko on speed when I think about them. Imagine if you will, someone tells you that you have a spider crawling on your back and you proceed to flip out, start running around, and try to turn your body in a complete 360 degree fashion so that your flailing arms can shoosh this being away? Yea. That’s me. Only this occurs when I get a papercut. I could care less if a spider crawled on me.
And then there was that one time at band camp….
No, there really was that one time I was watching the movie Jackass and the guy VOLUNTARILY sat there while he received multiple papercuts between his fingers and toes. BETWEEN HIS TOES. I don’t think you are understanding the complexityof my reaction to this scene. I ran out of the movie theater. RAN. Like I was Usain Bolt vying for a world record ran. I dropped my ridiculously priced popcorn and made a beeline for the car where I continued to have the hibee-jibee’s for the next 5 years just thinking of this scene.
Every time I get a papercut now, I return to that nightmarish scene in the movie theater and have convulsions while I repair my wound.
2 Comments
I used to get papercuts all the time when I worked in the pharmacy, but even worse were the similar but deeper cuts from all the foil used to seal the unopened bottles of pills. My fingers used to look like I was a cutter.
You always make me laugh when I read your blog. Keep ’em coming!
Emily
OUCH. that makes me shiver emily.