the 5 am vomit

Just as a reminder:

Nov- Cardin is born (YAY)

Nov- June- the rockstar child throws a kegger in her crib every night from the hours of 2 am- 4 am. She likely learned this behavior from her father. If you can’t count, that’s SEVEN MONTHS of NO SLEEP. SEVEN. one. two. three. four. five. six. seven. S.E.V.E.N.

June- Mid-September- the rockstar finally hits rock bottom and starts to sleep through the night. Mommy and Daddy begin to function again and stop drinking.

Present Day- Teething begins. Initially I was excited, as I thought we would hit pay-dirt with the tooth fairy until I realized that money had to come from my wallet. WRONG.  On top of the disappointment over the tooth fairy, we’re back to all night keggers and NO SLEEP. But today was the topper of it all. Consider this story your form of birth control.

My delicate flower kindly woke us this morning at 3:30 as she screamed like a ban-chi into the monitor. I was able to get her to fall back to sleep for about 30 minutes. Just long enough to get back in my warm cozy bed and start to doze off before the machine gun crying started again. Except this time she refused to go back to sleep. I tried the trustee baby Tylenol to no avail as she just kept slapping me in the face while I tried to rock her back to sleep. I’m not kidding about the slapping either. Full palm. Right to my face.

We attempted to lull her senses by putting her in the swing. FOOLS. She kept sitting forward, looking right at me and screaming. MOMMA. MOMMA. As though I had just placed her in a pit of hungry lions and she was wearing a meat mask. After about an hour of attempting to get her back to sleep I gave up. Her stomach kept growling so I thought perhaps she was hungry and that is why she couldn’t sleep.

And that’s when I pulled a genius move. I gave her yogurt. Excellent choice on the dairy. Winner. About 45 minutes later I was revisited by that awful decision. But the kicker, the real doozy. She puked while laying down as I was changing her crap filled diaper. Yep. It was coming out from both ends and I was prime target. So there I am, sitting her up so that she doesn’t choke on her puke all the while trying to keep the shit contained. Needless to say….it didn’t work. She ended up needing a bath and mommy ended up needing a vicodin.