Why don’t you squat there…

Posted by Christine on November 5, 2009 in Nature |

A few weekends ago the weather was fairly decent so my husband and I decided to “winterize” the yard. This is the term I use to imply that we crammed everything imaginable into the shed and locked the doors for the remainder of 2009; Patio furniture, lawnmower, hedge trimmers, a church. I even managed to get a flock of Canadian geese herded in there. It’s likely the doors will explode on us come springtime.

Part of our “winterizing” was to cut the devil hedges in our backyard. These hedges run the lot line on the side of our house. I have a love hate relationship with these hedges. I enjoy the privacy they give us from our nosy neighbors. Especially since they are old and retired and have nothing better to do than stare at us in the backyard while “Everybody Loves Raymond” blares through their windows. However, these hedges grow uncontrollably and are a pain right in the ba-donk-a-donk to manage. They were unruly when we bought the house and we’ve tried to tame them but our attempts have proved futile. And because the hedges can’t be annoying in their own right, they have to grow right up along our neighbor’s chain link fence. OH YEA. TRY CUTTING AROUND A FENCE. AWESOME!

Strategy #1 this year was to take C-4 and place it gingerly at the base of the hedges and then yell “FIRE IN THE HOLE”. Until I found out the C-4 was not sold at your local Home Depot. LAME. That brought us back to the ever famous, electric hedge trimmers. Be mindful, this is the same electric hedge trimmer that both my husband AND myself have cut through an electrical cord with. Yes indeed folks, I’m not the only one in the trimmersworld stupid enough to pull that move. I admit, I was the first to do this, and the flak I received for this act. OH SHIT, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten more harassment. Until a couple weeks later, the moment was relived, except I was not the one holding the trimmer this time around. Even now I relish in reliving this moment.

Strategy #2 was to try trimming the hedges in the fall this year so that come spring time they would already be looking nice. Normally this takes a couple hours to cut them, rake them, and bag up the remains. Except this time it took longer as our backyard looked like a minefield. You see, some dog has decided to make my backyard its personal shithouse. There were probably 20 dog craps all over the backyard. If I didn’t know better, the dogs were having a convention in my backyard and decided all at once to take one large dump. No matter where you stepped you were going to step in dog crap. My sneakers looked like I had stepped all over Mekhi Phifer.

I spent the evening cleaning dog shit out of every crevice of my sneakers. LISTEN LADY, this is why I don’t have a dog. I don’t like things shitting in my yard; human or not. The owner of this dog better hope that I don’t see it taking a squat in my yard because I know we won’t be friends on facebook. DISLIKE.

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