Remember when you were a kid and you got all excited to run out after school and get the mail, hoping that there would be mail with your name embossed onto the envelope. A small cheering squad would appear, playing pomp and circumstance, as you opened the mailbox and reached your hand in to behold your destiny. More often than not, you’d come back empty handed. Disappointed that you didn’t get the acceptance letter to Hogwarts or the Highlights magazine, you would trudge up the driveway and begrudgingly hand your mom the stack of useless envelopes. Little did you know that your mom despised those “useless” envelopes as they were a reminder of a responsibility you did not yet understand.
You see internet, there is no longer joy and wonder involved in getting the mail. No more pomp and circumstance. In fact, only elevated blood pressure is associated with task as the bills outweigh the magazines and cards. More often than not it seems that the bills are incorrect and I must call and complain to some manager or another in order to straighten out the financial inconsistency.
And then we had the topper of all bills last week. The gas and electric bill for the usage we had in December. Typically we expect the bill to be between $150-$200 around this time of year; average consumption for a cold month, plus you throw in the fact that the Christmas lights were on.
You could imagine how far my mouth fell when I opened the bill and read $592.68. Let me just spell that number out for you so you can understand the brevity of the situation. FIVE HUNDRED NINETY TWO DOLLARS and SIXTY EIGHT CENTS. Listen Lady, there are just no words for me to describe the horror that appeared on my face. A cold sweat broke out on my brow as I went to show Brett the disaster. His reaction was, unsurprisingly, similar to mine. The only words we could find were….”But, how?”
About a week before we got the December bill, I had read the meter and submitted the readings, but the meter had not been read since July. Apparently the estimates that the gas company was using for the previous 6 months were COMPELTY WRONG and now we get to play makeup. FML. That and our apparent increased usage has been remedied with new, strict guidelines. They are as follows:
1) we now light the house by candle
2) we all take a bath with the same water, which is warmed outside, over the fire
3) we heat the house with a fire pit that was previously used for Bonfires
I’ll be selling a kidney to pay for this bill. Bidding begins now. If the next bill is anything similar than we’ll be listing our house on Nothnagle and moving into a nice boxed community, complete with meth addicts and hookers.