This requires a codename…
Cardin is hot for playgrounds lately and we have a few around our house that we can drive too, mostly at parks. Of the ones frequented, we have only found a couple that are of decent quality, but they are not close to the house and let’s face it lady, public playgrounds are like festering petri dishes of disease and scum, what with all the little delinquents that brazenly knock you over on the way to the monkey bars.
I must admit, one of my finer moments in parenting came when I taught Cardin to stand up to these rambunctious monsters and declare to them, with the best attitude I’ve seen her muster, “WATCH OUT, LITTLE!”
A couple summers ago we spent a day putting together an A-frame so that we could attach a baby swing. Cardin still loves to swing and will do so for as long as you will push her. But…she’s also developed what we refer to as the ‘mommy syndrome’. Her knack for participating in dangerous activities is growing by the day. She likes to climb up slides and balance on ledges. I’ve even found her perched atop the rafters in the garage trying out her parkour skills. Clearly she has outgrown the danger level that is the simple A-frame swing-set.
After weeks of looking and grumbling about the ridiculous prices…..I give you the new swing set, codename “WOODEN JIHADIST WEASEL!”
Please note: this is not actually setup in our backyard yet and the set does not include the guy sniffing his armpits and gauging BO level.
Before I get into the logistics of setting up the WOODEN JIHADIST WEASEL (yes the caps are required for emphasis) let me divulge the smoking hot deal we obtained. We received a flyer in the mail that showed a sale going on at our local toy store. This swing set was listed as $100 off the MSRP if your brought in the flyer with the attached $100 off coupon. HOTNESS. Plus if you opened a credit card to the store you could get an extra 10% off the purchase. Seemed reasonable and it was the best deal we had found that was within our price range.
Off we went, flyer in hand. I explained to the cashier that I wanted to purchase the said swing set and had the necessary $100 off coupon. EXCEPT, when the cashier rang up the swing set, he entered the MSRP as $799, not the original $899. THEN he proceeded to take the additional $100 coupon off the $799 value. This all occurred while Cardin was standing next to me at the register drinking juice and, as expected, she started to choke, gag, and throw up. She likes to do this in public arenas. Sometimes I feel like she’s testing me just see how my nerves hold up. I believe she secretly plots against me at night. I bet she has a whole notebook full of ideas on ways to slowly make my hair gray.
There I am, cupping my hand under Cardin’s mouth, while trying to avoid a massive scene by talking her off the ledge, and still half listening to the cashier as he reads me the terms and conditions to the credit card I’m signing up for. It was enough multitasking that I didn’t really notice the balance of the receipt until I left the store. With the savings from the newly opened credit card and coupon, the total cost put us under $700 for this behemoth. We thought we had made out pretty well.
And then we opened the boxes. Listen lady, I think there are more boards for the WOODEN JIHADIST WEASEL than there are bones in your body. We opened the boxes and just kept pulling out board after board. Normally, I’d be a happy camper to have all this wood, but….get your mind out of the gutter.
Listen Lady, this pile you see here on your right. This is just ONE pile of wood. ONE. O.N.E. Most of the boards are between one and three feet so they add up really fast.
We read a lot of reviews on this particular swing set, and all the reviewers said that the wood needs to be covered in a water sealant to really last. We had it in our mindset that we were going to do a couple coats this week before we even assembled the WOODEN JIHADIST WEASEL. We had even warned Cardin that once we got the swing set we needed to paint it before it got put together. Below you can see Cardin taking an active role in helping us paint.
By golly were we very fucking wrong on the whole water sealer thing. We setup tarps, sawhorses, boxes, etc in the garage since the weather has been terrible and being outside is out of the question as of late. On Saturday we started waterproofing the first of the boards and laid them out to dry. We did as many as we could stuff into this small area without poisoning our child from sealant fumes.
And then the next 7 hours went something like this….
1 hour…boards still wet
3 hours…boards still wet
5 hours…boards still wet
7 hours…boards still wet
Me: “This is taking an awfully long time Brett, did you look at the back of the sealant can, how long does it say for drying time?”
Brett: “FORTY-EIGHT HOURS*****”
Me: “What are the asterisks for?”
Brett: “in optimal weather”
Me: “dude, its going to be September before this goes together”
Needless to say, the drying time and the weather are playing a crucial role at this point in getting WOODEN JIHADIST WEASEL to cooperate. Looks like its going to be slow going.