Corky

So much has happened, and I’ve neglected to tell you…I’m fighting a cold, Cardin has turned into a princess, and aliens invaded. All in due time my ladies.

For today we’ll turn to the story of Corky. While we were visiting my brother in Hoboken we went to frequent Benny Tudino’s Pizzeria. Don’t get me wrong folks, I like to go on road trips, but I’m not a city girl. I don’t like the atmosphere and the fast pace. I’d hate the fact that I’d have to route my life around traffic patterns and parking spots and stepping over the homeless. Not for me. AND ALL THE WALKING. HOLY HELL THE WALKING.

My brother’s most famous lines are “oh, its only a couple blocks” and by the time you reach your destination you want to cut your feet off. I’m just not cut out for the city folks. Anyways, we parked the car, most likely in some illegal fashion, and began our mighty trek to Benny’s; my mother was trotting along in front of me. This is an important fact to note and I will digress for one minute to explain.

You see Internet, I’ve learned from past experience that you don’t walk in FRONT of my mom, you walk BEHIND her. For good reason. About 6 or 7 years ago, my parents took my brother and I on what was our last family vacation; a Caribbean cruise. While we visited one of the islands, we were doing some leisurely shopping. I was strolling along the shopping corridor, my mother behind me, and I noticed a parfume parlor across the street. Since I was in the market for some cologne for my would be husband, I decided to venture across the street. My mother, who noticed my departure, turned to come along….except she missed the step down onto the street and tumbled forward, falling on top of me.

Were it not for my pure physical prowess and muscular strength, both of us would have face planted onto the gravel road. I was completely aghast at her. How could she have jumped me in such a way? I whipped around in disgust, shouting expletives at her inability to control her liquor. She has yet to live down this incidient. And henceforth we always walk behind my mom.

This very circumstance was proven to us that day that we walked to Benny Tudino’s. For it was not one minute after we began our trek that my mother almost tumbled to the ground in a fashion not unlike what was witnessed by our Caribbean peeps. Listen Lady, Hoboken is a pretty big area, and when we’re talking about surface area coverage…..phew….massive. My mom had managed to find the single, solitary wine cork that was laying on the sidewalk in Hoboken and step on it. The chances of this occurrence are uncanny.  Woman can’t manage to win the lotto, or have a kid without a twisted sense of humor like me, but she’ll find the cork that will be her downfall. Epic, mom.

I immedaitely phoned Brett. My mom’s new name is Corky. We have come up with hundreds of schemes for pranks. My calling in life isn’t to test software…..it’s to mess with my mom.