I started feeling like complete death on Sunday night and I knew the plague was upon us. Fever, chills, congestion. Of course, I had scheduled vacation time for Monday so I could take Rory for his 9 month checkup and then take both kids to the mall to see the devil…errrr…Easter bunny.
By Monday morning my fever had spiked above 100.5 and it was not because Beiber was playing on the radio. I would have taken a hammer to the thing first. This was the critical zone I was so strongly lectured about after my surgery. It went something along the lines of
“If you spike a fever over 100.5, you must immediately (DO NOT EVEN STOP TO PEE OR PASS GO)
1.) pop one of these death pills
2.) call your doctor right away to schedule an appointment”
Listen lady….I strayed from the plan. I called my doctor first. They ran a battery of tests, which included tickling my BRAIN. The doctor came in, all joking like, with a giant q-tip and goes “I’m just just going to swab inside your nose for the flu”. Being niave, i thought, oh, you want some snot….sure thing.
AT NO POINT DID HE SAY, I’M GOING TO TOUCH YOUR BRAIN WITH MY Q-TIP!!!! And then he was all, just relax. Oh really?? How about I touch your stomach through your belly button and tell you to just RELAX! Telling a patient to relax has the absolute opposite effect.
Since he could not immediately determine a cause for the fever, I started the death pills. I call them death pills because the list of side effects is massive. Now, I realize all drugs come with side effects, but this particular drug can cause you to rip ligaments and tendons. Just what I need as a lug around a 21 pound beast of a baby. Who needs their Achilles’ tendon???
Ever the good patient, I took the death pill for 2 days and for TWO DAYS I was a complete insomniac; another awesome side effect. By day 3 I was so jittery and wired I felt like Jesse in the episode of saved by the bell where she becomes addicted to the no doze. Where are you Zach Morris? Anyone who doesn’t understand this reference should have a sit me down with Netflix immediately.
The doctor finally switched my medication around on Wednesday and I was able to get some sleep. Each member of the family has developed their own variation on my illness so we are a full up on viruses’. The joy in our household is stupendous.
On a side note; I’m ready for spring so I can air out the house.