My…that’s a lovely blouse.

Internet, have I informed you lately of how much I despise shopping in a store. I never have time to get out to the store and that doesn’t bother me one bit. I’m the kind of person who lays out a plan of attack when I am forced to go to the store. I don’t dilly dally in the aisles and I don’t go to browse. I can think of 100 better ways to waste my time; like pulling out my eyelashes or searching through WebMD to find the next medical mystery of my life.

We’re having a little shindig for my grandma’s birthday this weekend so I had to pull it together long enough to go out and find her a nice blouse. YEP. BLOUSE. Because anyone over the age of 40 doesn’t wear a shirt, they wear a blouse. 24 more years an I’ll be all up in the blouse business!  So anyways, I ran out quick during lunch to Macys to find a nice blouse.

Normally I don’t like Macy’s. Their ad’s annoy me because every friggin’ day they are having “THE BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR”. period. end of sentence. biggest. sale. of. the. year. REALLY? The whole year? You’re not going to have a bigger sale? WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW?!?!  When I get the paper tomorrow, will I see a full page ad about the BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR; because I’m totally going to be pissed then. Listen Lady, I swear to everything holy in this world I’m bombarded with coupons from them constantly. Then, when I go in to use them on these GINORMOUS sales, I’m told by the cash person ringing me out that everything I bought is an “everyday value item” so I can’t use the coupons. FAIL. Stop sending me useless coupons!!!!

There I am in the middle of the Macy’s women’s department store, blousing it up, and I’m at a loss of what my grandma would like. Ya know how grandma always seems to wear that one ratty old blouse and whenever you go to the store you try to find something that looks almost identical. It’s like  you use a laser beam to sweep the entire department store looking for a “grandma” blouse. Except this time I couldn’t find one. There were no “grandma-looking blouses”. I started to sweat. What was I going to get? The woman has 56 purses and 34.5 pairs of leather gloves. She has more bottles of wine than the Hoff could drink in a night (maybe?). 

And then a genius idea popped into my head. It was the middle of the day. The nursing home bus had just dropped a fresh load of ladies at the Macy’s door; there were grandma’s EVERYWHERE. All I needed to do was simply follow one around for a few minutes and see what she picked out. JACKPOT. Huddle and regroup on the strategy. There I am, lurking behind a group of little old bitty’s while they talk about Hank, the handsome fella who drives the bus. COME ON. PICK A BLOUSE AND LET’S ALL GET BACK TO AGING. But these women…yea, they were in no mood to do any shopping. They were like a bunch of horny little college freshmen who were more interested in scoping out the man meat than pointing me in the direction of an acceptable blouse for grandma.  I swear that I vomited in my mouth a couple times while I listening to their conversation. Think Sue Johanson meets the bachelorette and you’ll understand how scurvy I felt.

After 10 minutes I could no longer handle the strategy and I went back to wandering around with my laser beam to find the perfect “grandma blouse”. Perhaps this has solidified my desire to shop online.