Vertically Challenged
The other day the American Academy of Pediatrics published recommendations for new and stricter child seat laws. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the safety of my kid. I’ve done it all…rear facing child seats, 5 point harnesses, safety seat inspections, side curtain airbags, helmets, knee pads, plastic bubbles custom fit for Cardin.
I get the recommendations for infants and small toddlers and I don’t disagree. Cardin is so small in stature that she sat in a rear-facing car seat much past the, then recommended age of 1. Let’s face it though…some of these kids ain’t so small in stature. Rolly polly babies are going to be eating their sausage thighs if you force them to sit backwards until the age of 2.
You know that someone is going to do a study now to determine the detriment to sitting with your legs all up in your grill until you’re 2. Stating that its not good for posture or development because it doesn’t allow full extension of the leg joints or some crappola like that.
Not to mention that if your kid sits backwards for two years, you don’t get the pleasure of enjoying the constant kicking they can do to the back of your seat. That’s a fun time. Especially when you’re driving. In a blizzard. With no visibility. In the dark. Also, it destroys the cloth backing to your seat and reduces the re-sale value of your car. KIDS ARE GREAT!!!
I must admit though, I’m a little discouraged by the new recommendations for older children. The pediatric academy suggests that children use boosters seats until they are 4 feet 9 inches tall, typically between the ages of 8 and 12. Listen Lady, I’m just going to throw this out there once and then that’s the end of the conversation! I’m not much taller than 4 feet 9 inches and neither of the majority of females in my family. Let’s face it, when Cardin does hit this benchmark, she is going to pretty much have reached her full height. We like to refer to this as vertically challenged.
Plus, since Cardin is so small, the chances of her hitting that growth spurt much before puberty are pretty much zip. I can just picture this now. She asks to go to a sleepover and I have to leave her booster seat with the friend in case they go on an outing. AS IF I WEREN’T ALREADY UNCOOL ENOUGH IN HER EYES, NOW I HAVE TO BE THE BOOSTER SEAT TOTER TOO.
Does this recommended use of a booster seat also apply for anyone who is under the height of 4 feet 9 inches? And you know I’m thinking specifically of midgets. Commence hate mail.
ying and yang
This weekend we went out to dinner with some friends. The majority of the group felt like breakfast so we hit up Perkins.
Cardin had already eaten dinner at home. She is not allowed to eat at restaurants because of the burp/gag/vomit that I’ve so eloquently divulged here before. I brought some crayons and a book and she entertained herself while we ate.
I did let her try a sip of Brett’s pop and warned her that it was going to be bubbly. I wish I had taken a video of her reaction. She almost spat the small sip back at me. From then on, Brett was referred to as “Daddy’s Bubbly”.
Before we left, our waitress, who smelled like an ashtray, gave Cardin a hybrid cookie. Listen Lady, I’ve never seen such a baking masterpiece. AND IT WAS FROM PERKINS. We’re not even talking fancy here. Half chocolate chip and half sugar cookie. GENIUS. The middle was a perfect line of melded cookie. WIN on presentation.
I pondered over how one would make such a cookie. Some sort of cookie cutter tool must be used so that an exact portion of both types can be evenly placed on the cookie sheet. I would never be able to accomplish such a feat because, inevitably, one part of the ying would be to runny and would start to tsunami into the yang.
I tried to take a bite out of the middle so that I could get both types of cookie, unfortunately the tastes do not work well together. Its comparable to sprinkling raw sugar on chocolate and taking a bite. You may think this is a good idea, but the grit of the raw sugar really overpowers the bittersweet chocolate. FAIL on taste.
Rumpus Room
I picked Cardin up from my mom’s house after work and arrived to a plethora of chalk drawings in the driveway. You can easily determine the chalkings that belonged to Cardin. They are all identical; blue lines. No matter what you draw for her she comes along and draws blue lines on it.
The remainder of the drawings are always an interesting collection of artifacts drawn by, none other than Picasso herself.
Listen lady, let’s put it this way. When we play the family board game pictionary, my mom is like the kid who gets picked last for kickball. Her artistic talents are a little on the short bus side. She’s really awesome at stick figures though.
Today I got the pleasure of enjoying this cat. Note how it only has two legs. She claimed the cat was sitting on it’s rump, therefore you can only see the front legs. You will also see that this cat looks like it was punched in the face and suffers from a Michael Jackson nose syndrome.
I’m surprised my mom takes credit for these masterpieces. I’d totally blame my lack of artistic ability on my kid. What else are kids good for if you can’t blame them for your farts and bad drawings?
Strongman
After dinner last night, I was emptying the dishwasher and I asked Brett to help me. He grabbed the silverware to put away and started with the knives that belong in the knife block. My back was to him at this point and a minute later I heard a huge crash and he was all “Holy Crap”. I whipped around to determine the level of emergency response needed.
That’s when I saw that he had pulled the entire silverware drawer out from the cabinet and broken the runner off. Ya know, the important piece that guides the drawer on its track. Seriously, are you strongman now? Is it required that we pull the silverware drawer out with such brute force?
I shook my head as I continued to empty the dishwasher and he attempted to re-attach the runner. The runner had been held in place by really large staples, like 5 of them. They were huge and, I imagine, placed there when the cabinet was first constructed by a pneumatic gun. 
Here was strongman, trying to re-attach the runner by pushing the staples back in…..by hand. Listen Lady, I’m pretty sure this approach is not going to work unless you have steel hands.
I suggested he may want to try a hammer to complete this handiwork, but was told “quiet woman.” After a few more attempts with his hand, he resided to the fact that he may need assistance from a tool. Not that I was right or anything. The hammer did the trick and two shirts later, he had re-attached the runner. “Somehow” both shirts got graphite dust on them during this process. Lady, it looked something like a contortionist, wriggling all over my kitchen floor in attempt outwit the staples.
Then came the tricky part. Finagling the runner back on so that the drawer closes smoothly. As you can see this was quite the process. He was convinced that he needed to open the oven door so that he could properly get the runner on the track. At one point I think Brett may have moved the refrigerator to gain better access….and the fridge is way on the other side of the kitchen.
The best part of this whole debacle is that he did not know I was taking pictures until the very end. This last photo is blurry, but his facial expression is just priceless.
When he saw me with the camera he started saying “NOOOOOOOOO” and turning. As if that would deflect my picture taking.
KodaChrome
After 33 years of working at Kodak, my dad decided that it was time to retire his polymer hat this past January 1st. This is pretty significant since there are few people who actually retire from Kodak anymore. There are even fewer people who can actually say they have worked their entire career at one company.
To celebrate this milestone, my brother and I threw him a retirement party this past weekend. Some of his friends and previous co-workers came and much of the family was able to come. We surprised him with a cake that was decorated to look like a Kodak Film box.
I’d like to take credit for this, but let’s be serious…my forte is really stick people. I ordered the cake from a local bakery and it was delicious. Except for the black frosting. The dye from the frosting was so intense that it tinted your mouth black. It reminded me of the prank candy you can buy that turns your mouth a certain color when you chew on it.
Cardin was amped about this party for weeks. She insisted that we make both a “BIG HAT” for Poppa and a “BABY HAT” for her. Listen Lady, she decorated the shit out of these hats. Stamps, marker, sticky foam shapes, glue, confetti….whatever she could grab, she smothered the hat with. I wouldn’t doubt that she wiped a booger on there also.