My…that’s a lovely blouse.
Internet, have I informed you lately of how much I despise shopping in a store. I never have time to get out to the store and that doesn’t bother me one bit. I’m the kind of person who lays out a plan of attack when I am forced to go to the store. I don’t dilly dally in the aisles and I don’t go to browse. I can think of 100 better ways to waste my time; like pulling out my eyelashes or searching through WebMD to find the next medical mystery of my life.
We’re having a little shindig for my grandma’s birthday this weekend so I had to pull it together long enough to go out and find her a nice blouse. YEP. BLOUSE. Because anyone over the age of 40 doesn’t wear a shirt, they wear a blouse. 24 more years an I’ll be all up in the blouse business! So anyways, I ran out quick during lunch to Macys to find a nice blouse.
Normally I don’t like Macy’s. Their ad’s annoy me because every friggin’ day they are having “THE BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR”. period. end of sentence. biggest. sale. of. the. year. REALLY? The whole year? You’re not going to have a bigger sale? WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW?!?! When I get the paper tomorrow, will I see a full page ad about the BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR; because I’m totally going to be pissed then. Listen Lady, I swear to everything holy in this world I’m bombarded with coupons from them constantly. Then, when I go in to use them on these GINORMOUS sales, I’m told by the cash person ringing me out that everything I bought is an “everyday value item” so I can’t use the coupons. FAIL. Stop sending me useless coupons!!!!
There I am in the middle of the Macy’s women’s department store, blousing it up, and I’m at a loss of what my grandma would like. Ya know how grandma always seems to wear that one ratty old blouse and whenever you go to the store you try to find something that looks almost identical. It’s like you use a laser beam to sweep the entire department store looking for a “grandma” blouse. Except this time I couldn’t find one. There were no “grandma-looking blouses”. I started to sweat. What was I going to get? The woman has 56 purses and 34.5 pairs of leather gloves. She has more bottles of wine than the Hoff could drink in a night (maybe?).
And then a genius idea popped into my head. It was the middle of the day. The nursing home bus had just dropped a fresh load of ladies at the Macy’s door; there were grandma’s EVERYWHERE. All I needed to do was simply follow one around for a few minutes and see what she picked out. JACKPOT. Huddle and regroup on the strategy. There I am, lurking behind a group of little old bitty’s while they talk about Hank, the handsome fella who drives the bus. COME ON. PICK A BLOUSE AND LET’S ALL GET BACK TO AGING. But these women…yea, they were in no mood to do any shopping. They were like a bunch of horny little college freshmen who were more interested in scoping out the man meat than pointing me in the direction of an acceptable blouse for grandma. I swear that I vomited in my mouth a couple times while I listening to their conversation. Think Sue Johanson meets the bachelorette and you’ll understand how scurvy I felt.
After 10 minutes I could no longer handle the strategy and I went back to wandering around with my laser beam to find the perfect “grandma blouse”. Perhaps this has solidified my desire to shop online.
wasted management
Who loves fighting with customer service reps about their bills? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. F me in the goat ass, I swear to you that lately, every bill I get, I need to call the company up and fight because the amount is not correct. And I’m not talking, “may I please speak to a manager” fight, I’m talking “take off your clothes we’re jumping in the jello pit and I’m going to scream every obscenity I know” fight. Last month it was the auto insurance and this month it’s the garbage bill. Customer service centers are going to start passing around my name and a voice recognition tool that will target my voice so they know when the bitch calls.
Last time I paid my garbage bill, I got a notice that my payment was declined. I lovingly called up the company and was all “here is my confirmation number, please tell me why you are refusing to take my money.” Who refuses money?!? Anyways, the representative I talked to checked out my account and said that my balance was showing as $0.00 and that I could disregard the email, payment had been processed. AWESOME. SUPER. Of course I don’t trust a single word that she is spewing AND NO I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE A SURVERY, STOP PEPPERING ME WITH THESE QUESTIONS. Because I’m that type of person, I got her name and employee id number. We’ll call her “sarah lee liar”. (Just from that name you know this is going to turn out great).
Now, because I only pay this bill quarterly, a couple months went by before I got the next invoice. FANTASTIC PSYCHOLOGY. 4 payments a year instead of 12; makes you feel like you are paying less, right? LISTEN LADY, THEY ARE STILL SCREWING YOU. Regroup. This time the bill was double because…and you’re going to be shocked by this one…the last payment wasn’t processed. I saw this bill and immediately my fingers dialed the number for the company, even though it was 7 pm and I KNEW they wouldn’t be open.
So the next morning, I lovingly called up the garbage company and gave them my confirmation number for the last payment and the name and employee id number of “sarah lee liar”. I calmly explained that when I talked to her that payment had been processed and my balance was $0.00. Apparently the payment was declined after I talked to “sarah lee liar” and the company decided that, instead of contacting me over the past 2 months, they should just leave the late payment alone and hit me with a new bill and extra charges. MY LIFE GETS BETTER EVER DAY!
Now I owe for 6 months of garbage pickup, plus a late fee, plus a $25 dollar restart collection fee. That’s when I went all Kung Fu on the customer service rep. WAX ON, WAX OFF. I lost it. There was no way I was paying any late fee or restart fee. I have a new tactic for companies who pull this. I was all “ok, when is my contract up so I can terminate it” IMMEDIAETLY I GET HELP AND RESOLUTION. Magic words. Like a little fairy came and just pistol whipped the customer service representative. She was all “oh ma’am I’m going to remove these late fees and the $25 restart fee and that will resolve your problem.”
…Pause
Nope, problem not resolved. See my problem is with the customer service I’m receiving. You don’t tell me payment has been processed when in fact it hasn’t. And if my payment does get declined you contact me. And this is the best part. The rep was all “well, we must have a bad phone number and email, otherwise we would have been in contact.” And I’m all, LADY…I JUST GAVE YOU THE PHONE NUMBER AND EMAIL ADDRESS TO VERIFY THIS ACCOUNT TWO MINTUES AGO, SO IT AIN’T EVEN CLOSE TO BEING WRONG.
I shit you not, her response was…..”oh. huh, you’re right.”
I ended the call by checking the date I could terminate the contract and slamming the receiver down. DO NOT USE WASTE MANAGEMENT.
Jumbo Skinhead
I was trapsin’ through a local Halloween shop the other day looking for a costume for my daughter and I stumbled upon a classic find. I’m officially labeling this Halloween accessory to be the reason why there is so much hate in this world. Listen lady, it is just not right that we are selling this to our youth. Clearly the marketing department for this company is not very diverse.
As if there isn’t enough racism in this world, let’s promote skinheads for Halloween. Perhaps I could even find a nice KKK outfit at my local Halloween superstore. Are you f’in kidding me. I have to choose between Kate Gosselin or a skinhead?!?
unhappy meal
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQWV1N9mGCI
And to think that I get all freaked out when my food just touches each other. It’s a really good I don’t live in China cause this would put me on a fantastic diet of EAT NOTHING. Listen Lady, I totally discourage you from eating food if it’s still breathing when the plate is placed in front of you.
Here…wipe with this leaf
The other night I took my 10 month old daughter to the park so she can practice picking up crack pipes at a young age. Listen Lady, I’m being a good mom, she really needs to work on that whole pincher grasp thing and this is a great resolution.
The swings at this park are set a little ways back so it’s necessary to park the car and do a short trek up Everest first. This is kosher when the sun is shining and leprechauns prance around a pot of gold. This is NOT kosher when the sun sets and releases a swarm of EVERY BUG THAT EVER EXISTED. Dear mosquitoes, I do not want west nile virus. If you land on my arm chances are you will not live to taste my delicious, homegrown blood.
I don’t mind going outside to play basketball or hang around a bonfire. However, when you pair being outside that with anything “nature-esque”, like hiking or camping, you might as well rufee me. Nature and this lady do not equal pleasant times. I would go out on a limb to compare my nature experiences to using sandpaper on your ass. Rough, with raw leftovers.
My form of camping consists of a hotel without a pool. Unless you want me to pistol whip you, do not mention the words tent, blow up air mattress, or sleeping bag in my presence. There is a reason I work full time and it has nothing to do with providing a better life for my spawn. It is because I refuse to live like a caveman.
I’m pretty sure that I have passed this “I HATE NATURE AND 
WILL NEVER HUG TREES” attitude onto my daughter. We have tried to sit her on the grass a few times this summer and she does not like it. She touches it with the least amount of surface area possible and then she immediately bolts to the nearest human so she can be picked up.
I’ve included some pictures to display her hatred. I love passing down weird pet peeves to my offspring.