Again with the naming shit
Cardin got a new toy so I had to name it. Please give a warm welcome to PURPLE PUSSY. She’s limber, soft, and just a little furry.
Listen Lady, you know its funny. And you know that in about 15 years when my daughter looks back and reads this blog she is going to understand why mommy started a fund for therapy instead of college.
Chill Out!
My laptop is starting to top out on the ancient side. It’s decided that it wants to throw in the white flag. I’m not overly shocked. I’ve had this behemoth since college and it served me well when I was diligently pounding out some ridiculous paper and listening to ill-gotten music. Back in the day, ipods and iphones were a thing of the future and our music was “borrowed” from limewire.
Nowadays, I would rather pull out a tooth than return to an educational setting and write a paper. Unfortunately, this means that my laptop has transformed from typewriter to photo-album/media library. The first time I plugged in my newly acquired iphone, my laptop decided to sputter and cough as though it has been smoking cigarettes at an incessant rate for the last 45 years. It didn’t respond to a good beat down or the ever famous “Nintendo blow”. (Anyone over 30 will not understand that reference).
For a temporary fix, we resorted to propping the laptop up on a 1 foot high metal stand. With the keyboard levitating at neck level, I often find it difficult to type (though it has solved the problem of overheating) so we needed a more permanent resolution. My husband started looking at cooling pads and was totally boring in his approach. Slim. Metal. Gray. BORING.
First, I beat him with the mouse (gently) and then I berated him. He should know me better than that. I don’t do simple and boring. I’m more of a “weird is cool” kinda girl. You should have seen the color of my last car. Google earth picked it up. Not kidding. You can see it. FROM SPACE.
Anyways. When I find an object I like, my response is “OOOOOOOOOOOOO.” This indicates my preference for it. That’s how he gauges the Christmas gifts he gives me. How may “OOOOOOOOO’s” can I get out of her?
Imagine my response when I saw this laptop accessory.
I gave an extra long “OOOOOOOO” for this. But then, I started staring at this cooling pad and, to be honest, got a little freaked out. It’s a little creepy. I mean…the placement of the fans alone. Listen Lady, this furry little fellow could benefit from a bra. I doubt that an underwire will be comfy in artic weather. At the very least we need to put some fig leaves on these puppies!
For USA only
Recently we celebrated my friends “end of single life” with a little party. There was food, drinks, laughter, and TITTY TASSELS. Yep, I really am going there; don’t play coy, you know you’re intrigued about them. One cannot celebrate the end of singledom without a little raunchiness. It’s only fitting, we’re talking about the end of being “just me” to the beginning of “us. Deviance is necessary.
Before the party, I headed over to a local gag gift shop and found these Candy Nipple Tassels. Who doesn’t like a nice sugar rush in bed? Note the exquisite, vibrant colors and the delicate way these tassels just lay on the bosom.
This brought back happy memories of childhood and candy necklaces. Cool summer nights, watching the fireworks, chomping away on a candy necklace. I’m sure that was the inspiration for this delicacy.
I happened to be reviewing the package and noticed that not only do you get pure pleasure for your money, but the maker also provides you with nutritional content. God love ’em. It’s a double whammy.
Interestingly, the serving size is only 6 pieces. Can you imagine, in the throw of things, 6 pieces consumed and you must rip these suckers off. THAT’S IT. I’VE HAD MY DAILY VALUE!!
By far, the best part of the gift is the declaration that it is “FOR USA ONLY”. Really?!? Is the calorie intact going to change in Europe? You can be sure the pleasure factor won’t swagger. I bet you 10 bucks Queen Elizabeth would use them.
Imagine the fun you would have declaring these in customs. The stifled custom’s agent asks if you have any food or drink to declare. And you’re all “well, I’m bringing titty tassels into the country.” My guess is that you would have warranted yourself a full body cavity search. Who knows, you might even get to wear the tassels during the inspection. “Ma’am could you stop swinging those around please, it’s interfering with my metal detector sweep.”
Melts in your mouth, not in your… ok you finish the rest.
Speak only when spoken to
Listen Lady, my daughter has been trained well. I ain’t playin’ around here. She understands that she is not allowed to speak unless she has express written consent. We started teaching manners at the ripe age of 1 day old as she was mighty disrespectful in that whole, 18 hours of labor crap. The plan is for her to have a job by age 2 and stop piggy-backing off mom and dad.
See…she even knows to raise her hand at the dinner table before asking a question.
Rest Assured
Hulk and Linda hogan have settled their divorce!!!
THANKFULLY. I’m glad that was breaking news. Now I can sleep. Not sure about you, but I was worried for a second or two that Linda would not reap in all the benefits from his cheesy kid movies.
I’m partial to Macho Man Randy Savage anyways. Who doesn’t love SNAPPING IN TO A SLIM JIM!