The family that yells together stays together….or something like that.

We’re Italian, right? We’re loud, always in each other’s business, and force feed people until they explode. It’s what we do best. There are many advantages to having a large Italian family in one town. Someone is always around if you need help or a babysitter, family BBQ’s are far more exciting, the mob usually leaves us alone, and the gossip can spread much faster this way. However, there is one disadvantage; the decibel level when we get together can be exceedingly high. Listen Lady, I’m not talking a loud whisper in a crowded restaurant loud. I’m talking a jackhammer or a jet taking off loud. I’m talking ears bleeding, leaving with a migraine, sometimes you have to walk out of the room and say OMG, I JUST WANT SILENCE loud. According to some researcher whom presumably did not ride the short bus to school, this decibel level can cause serious hearing damage.

Huh…and we WONDER why both my grandparents are going deaf. Their children keep trying to get them to get hearing aids. HELLO. ANYBODY HOME? They like being deaf. After 80 years of tirades I’d want some silence too.

Anyways…back to the yelling. Towards the beginning of this year my 83 year old Aunt had a nasty fall down the stairs and broke her ankle in 3 places. She’s better now, but it was a long road to recovery as it required surgery with a plate, numerous screws, and physical therapy. There was nobody home when my aunt fell, but luckily she was on the phone and was able to yell for help. Then the masses showed up. First my grandparents appeared, then my mother, my other aunt, and of course some EMT’s all arrived to try to assist.

By this point, my aunt’s ankle has begun to swell and bruise. Not completely unusual for such an injury. The EMT’s begin to assess her injury and my grandfather, whose only intent is to help, tries to ask my Aunt a question. Harmful….No? Not to the average person. Listen Lady, this signals the beginning of the end; it commences the argument that qualifies our family for a hit reality show.

Grandpa tries to help Aunt Mary:
Grandpa: “Mary, let me help you.”

But Aunt Mary yells at Grandpa:
Aunt Mary: “I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP”

So Grandma yells at Aunt Mary for yelling at Grandpa:
Grandma:  “He’s only trying to help you Mary, you don’t need to yell at him.”

So Aunt Debbi yells at Grandma for yelling at Aunt Mary for yelling at Grandpa:
Aunt Debbi: “MOM. LET IT GO, LEAVE AUNT MARY ALONE.”

So my Mom yells at Aunt Debbi for yelling at Grandma for yelling at Aunt Mary for yelling at Grandpa:
Mom: “DEB, DON’T YELL AT MOM. SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO DEFEND DAD.”

MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED. Imagine being the EMT right now. I’m telling you, SITCOM. We’d dominate the ratings.