10 years
It’s been 10 years since the towers fell. Even though I was not personally affected by a 9/11 tragedy, I felt the pain as any other American.
Give an extra hug to those most important to you; they encompass your entire makeup and challenge your strength for a better future. Remember where you were when you first heard the news and pass this on to future generations. It will be our stories of struggle and determination to succeed in the face of adversity passed on to younger generations that breaks the barriers of ignorance and intolerability in this world.
Above all, take time to remember those who lost their lives in this senseless act of violence and those who still fight for our freedom today. HOOAH BOYS!
There’s Poop Momma
Last week I took a few days off because I had some scheduled doctors appointments and Cardin was also been evaluated for continued speech therapy services. With one of our free afternoons I decided to take her on a little adventure to Springdale Farm. She has visited the farm before but since they are only open during the weekday I’ve never had the opportunity to take her. Listen Lady, she schooled me on the in’s and out’s of this farm.
According to Cardin, here are the most important things to know about the farm
1) ‘There is poop momma”
The farm has a small petting zoo with some goats that you can go in and pet. Of course, nature calls and the goats go about life. Cardin is sure to point this out to me and whoever else happens to be within 10 miles of her shrieking voice
2) “There is really big pig momma”
One of the first animals that is visible when walking up to the farm is a giant male pig. The thing is huge and he has fathered an obscene number of baby piglets. Man needs a vasectomy like no other.
3) “Horses bite momma”
There is one full size horse, a couple of miniature ponies, and two donkeys on the farm. I was going to teach her the correct terminology for donkey, but I figured she’d repeat it at some inappropriate time so I refrained. Since Cardin has no fear and will basically stick her face through the fence, my mom had to tell her to stay back as the horses will bite; this single thought has remained with her since then.
4) “I feed goats momma”
Besides pointing out the poop, her favorite thing to do is feed the goats. She loves to hold straw out and have them chomp away on it. She will happily shove it into their faces even if they don’t want it. She obviously has the Italian genes.
Overall it was a great trip to the farm. I can tell you with certainty lady that it seals the fact that I hate nature as my allergies were killing me the remainder of the day.
Name Change
Things have been busy for the listen lady family lately. Cardin was re-evaluated for continued speech services, we had another spectacular wedding to attend, and my nephew Liam made his arrival in this world. It’s been a whirlwind of a week and in that time Cardin has decided to change my name.
Listen Lady, I’m not really sure how or why it started; she has always referred to me as mommy. Certainly better than ‘Hey Whorebag’ or ‘Woman who I’ve deemed my slave’, but in the last week she’s changed and will now only call me “Momma”. It’s only a slight change, but I’ve grown so accustomed to the name “Mommy” that hearing anything else sounds wrong to my trained ear.
She is in love with asking questions lately and being inquisitive. I hear at a constant rate “Whatcha doing Momma?” or “Whatcha got Momma?” as I make dinner or shuffle through the days mail. I can’t help but wonder if it’s a phase. Will “mommy” return or will we jump straight to “mom”?
I suppose that I’ll settle for any of the above as long as she steers clear of “Mum”. I’m not 100 years old, nor am I a flower, do not categorize me as either kid.
WARNING: for all future swingset buyers
Remember when we spent a month putting together Cardin’s swing set, which I so kindly dubbed the WOODEN JIHADIST WEASEL!! We spent a great deal of time researching what kind of swing set to buy and reading reviews from parents who had put these ridiculous contraptions together.
There was obvious concern about the quality of wood, pre-drilled holes, the need for all parts and accessories to be included with the kit. We read reviews on what others thought of the directions and organization of the parts. Listen Lady, not once did a parent reviewer mention the PAIN IN THE ASS-NESS of having to trim the grass around this monstrosity once it was actually setup. SOMEBODY COULD HAVE THROWN US A BONE.
You see lady you can’t actually use the mower to butt up to the swing set so you have to use a trimmer otherwise it looks like we have a hay field growing around the swing set.
And this is where I’m convinced that the people who invented the swing set slept with the people who invented the trimmer and said “let’s screw with America’s middle class and be rich!!!”
Normally you’d think that you could just buy one of those gas powered weed whackers and take 2 minutes to speed around the edges of the WOODEN JIDHAST WEASEL. This is where you’d be wrong my friend. See those weed whackers use a plastic twine to cut rip the grass out and the force at which it is applied is so strong that it will actually destroy the soft wood of the swing set…..I know this from experience…..Brett is no longer allowed to be near the swing set with our weed whacker.
Instead you must purchase a hand trimmer and crawl around on your hands and knees to trim every molecule of grass that is within a one foot radius of the monstrosity. For added benefit of your neighbors you can always wear white knee socks with black shoes and flaunt your ass in the air as you silently curse yourself for encouraging physical activity and outdoor play.
The Cleanse
The other day while I was getting SAUCY! I noticed that my feet kept getting wet. Normally I’m able to make it to the bathroom in time…..Oh wait…that story is for another blog. Listen Lady, as I was making the homemade sauce I kept noticing puddles of water appearing on the floor underneath the sink but I was unsure why as there was no water running.
Time is critical in this story so I’m going to do a time series story Internet, thus allowing you to comprehend the full level of anxiety.
8:15 pm: Puddle one is discovered and wiped up. I think this is just a fluke.
8:22 pm: Puddle two is discovered. No more fluke. I’m not peeing on the floor so something must be leaking. I dig out underneath the kitchen sink and discover the trap is leaking.
8:25 pm: I call Brett over and he rolls his eyes at me like “WOMAN! WHAT OTHER APPLIANCE OR HOME REPAIR COULD WE POSSIBLY NEED TO DO NOW!”
8:28 pm: Brett retrieves his plumbers wrench. I go finish giving Cardin a bath.
8:34 pm: While bathing Cardin I hear plastic snap and then the following words come out of Brett’s mouth “CRAPPPPP”
8:37 pm: I’m all, “that sounded like an important piece in the plumbing process, Home Depot is only open until like 9, you better get moving.”
8:54 pm: My phone rings and Brett asks me if the trap seems U shaped or J shaped…………… Um………..right now it seems broken shaped. How about you buy both pieces and we’ll just return what we don’t need.
9:07 pm: Brett returns home with the associated equipment and begins plumbing repair.
9:16 pm: Brett gives the existing plumbing pipes an angioplasty. This would be the reason they tell you not to pour oil or meat fat down your drain. This is what he removed that was clogging the pipes and causing the backup. GROSS does not begin to cover it. 
9:22 pm: Brett reattaches the new plumbing trap and we’re back in business. With fresh arteries to clog up again.