Self Imposed Snow Day
Last night we were supposed to get pounded with one hell of a storm. People were going to wegmans in hoards to stock up on milk, bread, and condoms. The meteorologist even suggested you have flashlights and candles ready in case the power went out. Schools and daycares had closed the night before in anticipation of the bad weather. We were warned that this could be one of the worst storms we’ve seen in 30+ years.
I work about 25 miles from where I live and I have the ability to work from home, so last night I determined that Cardin and I were going to have a self imposed snow day and I would just tele-commute.
…then we got like 6 inches of snow…
FAIL.
Listen Lady, you would think a meteorologist would know the difference between 6 and 16 inches of snow. Since Cardin is nursing an ear infection and I have caught her head cold I decided we were still staying home; not spreading it to the remainder of the office would be appreciated.
I was able to work from home and be overly productive, while Cardin destroyed the living room. This is how she rolls when she needs to entertain herself. It looks like Toys R Us exploded. Sometimes I think she has a certain quota of toys that she needs to play with each day as she’ll spend 20 minutes on one thing and then move to the next; all without picking up the first toy.
My payback for the destruction….we play “lets see who can pick up more toys. Mommy or Cardin?” I’m helping to develop a competitive spirit.
Bed of Nails
A few months ago I pulled out my stockpile of Lego’s for Cardin. Both Brett and I loved Lego’s as a kid and we both brought container full’s into the marriage. Don’t be fooled, this is because I have such an active imagination. Unsurprisingly, Cardin loves playing with them also. Obviously she can’t follow detailed instructions on how to build a Castle or Robin Hood’s tree forest, but she loves building with the blocks. She is equally enticed when you build something for her; like a house or a car. The other day I rocked her world when I built her a pool and then put only the upper half of the Lego man on the blue block, as though he was swimming. She looked at him for a solid 5 minutes in AWE.
Normally when I spread the Lego’s out, I keep a watchful eye of where I step. Listen Lady, I’ve stepped on my fair share of pointy Lego’s and have used explicit language in expressing this discomfort. Having only been exposed to Lego’s for a couple of months, Cardin is less in tune with the accuracy needed to avoid a mine field of Lego pieces that strewn the floor.
The other day I was cooking dinner and I heard her rustling around in the Lego box. As I went in the pantry to grab something, I peeked in on her really quick. Ya know….to make sure she hadn’t swallowed a yellow head or stray block. Cause that would be an unfortunate tripe to the ER. What I found instead was the following:
She had plopped her ass right on down into the Lego container. Clearly this was causing no discomfort and that can only be attributed to the extra padding provided by her diaper as she has a flat, non-padded ass just like her momma.
I “ove” you
This week, I put up some Gel window cling decorations for Valentine’s Day and Cardin insisted on helping me. I usually hang any such decoration on the front large picture window of our living room. This window is about waist high so it’s not exactly user friendly for a little midget like Cardin; she can barely reach to see outside. I let her help me hang these window clings and emphasized that they were only for looking and not for touching. She nodded in agreement, and typically, she is pretty good about listening to us…..except when mommy isn’t home and daddy is in the other room.
Such was the occurrence the other night when I pulled in the driveway and there was a small body standing on the couch, looking out the front window. Since it was dark out, it was fairly easy to see her silhouette and I immediately noticed that she was poking her knobby little fingers at the gel clings on the window.
I waved to her and rolled down my window. Internet, I’m aware that it’s the middle of winter and the windows on the house are not open, so there is no way that she is going to hear my instruction when it is voiced from the exterior of our abode. Nevertheless, I pulled out my best Listen Lady. Unsurprisingly, this accomplished nothing.
Giving in to defeat, I parked the car and went inside. She immediately ran to greet me with a big smile and as I picked her up I asked her if she was playing with the gel clings. I got a prompt “Uh Huh”. Then I asked her if she was supposed to be playing with the gel clings. To which I was awarded a “NOOOOPPPPPPPPE”.
I went about getting my coat and shoes off and never gave the gel clings a second thought…that is until the next morning when I lifted the shade and the window clings no longer said “love”. Now they proudly displayed “ove”. The misfit had taken the “L” and hidden it on me. I searched behind toys, in toys bins; I even did a cavity exam of the cat. No luck. In one last attempt I checked underneath the couch and sure enough, way in the back, there was the missing “L”. How she managed to get it back there is beyond me, perhaps it fell and bounced when she rudely ripped down my romantic display of affection.
The Claw! The Claw!
Cardin has been doing this weird thing with her fingers lately so that it appears as though her hand is misshapen and it is very unnerving to me. She crosses her ring finger over her pinky and maintains this posture with ease. 
Now, I can’t seem to perform this finger crossing act voluntarily, I actually need to position my fingers that way using my other hand. Not only does she perform this finger crossing without an assist, she holds it there for minutes and hours. Listen Lady, once my fingers are in place I can’t seem to hold this awkward position for more than 10 seconds without my fingers rebutting this stance. IT’S UNNATURAL.
The thing that is so unnerving to me is that she’ll actually hold this claw-like position with her fingers while performing other daily tasks; eating, playing, sleeping, etc. If I stopped concentrating on maintaining the awkward finger position for more than 1 second I would lose it. Not her. She’ll sit there and eat a whole grilled cheese with her claw hands without even thinking about it.
Since she doesn’t understand what I mean when I’m all “stop doing that weird finger thing”, I’ve resorted to a new method of ingenuity. Anytime I see her unconsciously holding her fingers in the claw formation, I ask her to pound. A little fist bump and the claw hand goes away. Most of the time the claw goes away for a fleeting second and when it remerges my irrational fear comes rushing back that her hands may end up looking like this.
After hours of thought, I’ve uncovered why the misshapen hand seems to cause so much angst. Long ago, in my youth, I played Varsity Tennis. At the time, I was playing doubles with a very good friend of mine and we had just finished a match. I don’t remember if we won or lost, but I do remember that at the end of the match, we went to shake hands with the opposing team. My doubles partner reached the opposing team first and shook their hands while I picked up the balls from the court. I quickly hustled over to show my sportsmanship and I vividly recall holding out my hand and receiving a death grip back from a girl who only had 2 fingers on her hand. TWO FINGERS. It looked as though she was constantly giving you the “hang 10” sign.
Being the good sportsman that I am, I was giving this girl direct eye contact when I shook her hand so you can imagine that I was taken aback when I could only feel two stumps and not a full hand shake. I looked down only to realize that this girl had played an ENTIRE MATCH against us holding her racket with these hang 10 fingers.
My doubles partner, who had also just discovered this tidbit about our opponent, turned around to watch my face as I shook the claw and realized what was going no. I was told that the look was priceless. I’m just going to take 2 seconds to say THANKS KOOP, that wasn’t awkward AT ALL!! We jogged off the court, busting at the seams in hysterics.
Come to think of it, it’s really not funny and the poor girl was probably bullied and harassed constantly through school. I’m sure we added to her discomfort. But HELL if I’m going to let my kid grow up to have a claw!
Put it In, Take it Out
Cardin received a massive Playmobil zoo set from Santa this year. Two of the animal figurines were getting frisky last night. Luckily I caught it on tape. Picture this….interspecies animals gone wild.
Here you will see the before image. Take note of the lighting and how the shading shows the contrast between the animals skin. Also shown is the giraffe’s sweeping, brown tail and firm stance. My tennis coach would be so proud of this dude for having his feet shoulder width apart.
And then you will see the after image. Again, take note of the giraffe’s taut and firmly positioned tail. Coincidently, the placement of the tail is at a near perfect height for maximum activity. Naughty.
Maybe there should be ratings on children’s toys. Or maybe their parents should not be allowed to play with them.