Final Results
After an numerous hours of preparation, days of physical labor and construction, late nights, and a few minor splinters I give you the final product of WOODEN JIHADIST WEASEL!!!!!
I don’t know how many times I read the instruction book and was baffled by their explanation of what to do next, screeching loudly, “Come Again?” All in all, we managed to put the thing together with only a few minor mishaps that needed correction and at the end we didn’t even have to say….”huh, wonder where this piece of wood was supposed to go?”
By the time we ended up getting the whole thing together, Cardin had been waiting so long that she went down the slide one time, looked at me and said “Inside now, Mommy?” It was very anti-climatic.
I think one of her favorite past times on the swing set is not actually swinging or going down the slide, but pointing out every single knot in the wood. And then she must confirm each one with me. Knot? Knot? Knot? Knot? Knot? Knot? The whole swing set is wood kid, each one is a knot. It leads me to believe that she’ll be very detail oriented or completed OCD like her momma.
Hope you enjoy it bug.
Maurice the Maple
Last fall we started by laying out a brick border and ordering 5 yards of dirt. In case you didn’t know….that’s an f’in lot of dirt. Since it was so late in the season we didn’t plant anything then and decided to let the dirt settle over the winter.
The weeds weren’t looking all that awesome lately, so we spent the weekend knee deep in mud as we tried to finish up the landscaping and planting actual shrubs and flowers. Ya know….pretty things that will likely attract bugs, incests, animals, and require an abundance of upkeep.
I had an idea of what I wanted to get a the local garden store and a rough estimate of how much it was going to cost. Everything I bought is a perennial, I steered clear of the annual plants, not touching those with a 10 foot pole. Who has time to plant things EVERY YEAR LADY.
Here are a couple pictures of the results. We haven’t put the stone down on the left portion of the house yet so that is still to come in the future. 
More of a close up of our handi work
And finally I’d like to introduce you to Maurice. Maurice is our new Japanese Maple plant. Listen Lady, none of the other plants have names because they did not cost as much as my left kidney. He is special. He needs a name so that when I water him at night I can hold a conversation with him and he can feel loved. That way he won’t wither and die and I won’t feel the pain from flushing all the money down the crapper. I’ll discuss my day with him. He can be my eyes and ears of the neighborhood gossip circuit.
As I was taking some pictures Cardin was in the garage playing. She saw me outside taking pictures and wanted to come out so she pressed her hands and face to the glass door. Priceless kid.
Bare Bottoms & Pizza Crust
Cardin was playing with a Snow White Barbie doll this weekend, prancing it around the house in her own pretend world, when I notated that Snow White had been stripped of her dress and was flying around naked. At first I was a little shocked because…well Barbies are pretty hard to dress and undress for 2 year old fingers. OK Lady….they are pretty hard to dress for 28 year old fingers and it takes me quiet a bit of coordination to get their clothes on or off.
I’m not particularly surprised Snow White was naked given Cardin’s age. Being 2 and a half she’s starting to understand her body and we’re getting on board with the whole potty training. She’s pretty good at taking off her own clothes and she manages to find the most inopportune time to strip.
This is pretty much in tune with my behavior as a kid as well. My Barbies were always naked, there clothes strewn about as though a tornado had blown through town. It was an indication of their free spirit and my hatred for small, tight fitting clothing. Where is your DAMN T-SHIRT COLLECTION BARBIE!!!!!!
As I was picking some things up Saturday night, I noticed that Cardin had left Snow White prominently displayed in her wagon. It had been a rough day for this poor doll. A lot of role-play and flexibility was involved. The poor thing looked tuckered out;l ike a lonely sorority girl gone awry after a night of hard partying. Rhinna’s S&M playing in the background, some dried up pizza crust laying on the floor, woke up not knowing whose floor she feel asleep on.
I fear there will be more days like this in your future Snow White.
Going Green
I ordered Brett’s father’s day gift and it arrived last night via FedEx. Props to my cousin who works for the carrier, I was rather impressed on the speed of your delivery service. 5-8 business days was 2 day shipping. SCORE. Next time I need to deliver a vital organ I know what carrier I’m choosing.
Anyways, I opened the box just to check and make sure that the item I ordered was correct and not damaged. Cause that’s never happened to me before. Insert sarcastic tone here.
Since Brett is a snoop, and I refuse to tell him what I purchased…I won’t even tell you Internet….GASP….I had to get creative on on boobytrapping the box. 
You will note that the way in which I have taped the box is done so that brett cannot open said item without me actually noting he has done so. I’ve also reinforced my tape with writing so that, just incase he breaks the seal he would have to then recreate my lovely chicken scrawls. Nearly impossible.
Cardin wanted to help me decorate the box so I let her get her crayons and go for it. You can see in the lower left hand corner there is almost an earthquake like effect with her artistic skills. VERY MOVING.
I’m thinking that I might not even wrap his gift up. This may be wrapping enough. Happy Fathers Day!
Top or Bottom?
The last two weeks have been spent with a naked wrist and in a dazed state as to the actual time of day because my watch took a dive off the deep end on me. I’m pretty rough on my watches and I’m really particular on the type of watch style I will wear, so to find a new one has been something of a quest.
First off, I hate shopping so to get me to the mall is a rare feat. I really am in need of an item if I go to the store. I’m more of an online shopper;all about the free shipping BITCHES. And then, to have to walk around to all these stores, without a purpose and just browse their selection of crappy watches is not unlike being a fat kid teethered to a treadmill in the middle of cheesecake factory; unable to eat any of the desserts. TORTURE.
See Internet, most people would consdier me an upside-down watch wearer. That is, I wear my watch so the face of it is on the inside of my wrist. I don’t really know why I started this; I just think its more comfy. Because I wear my watch this way, the face of the watch naturally absorbs more wear from tabletops and desks, especially when I type on the computer. Ya know….when I blog or work….which is basically all the time. I’m proud to admit that I’ve actually worn holes in the watch face from so much use.
I’m digital all the way. I can tell time off a regular clock, but it takes me a good 2 minutes and by then the time has changed so really what good is it. I don’t like the cheap-o plastic bands. They break easily and let’s be honest folks, people sweat. OH YES, I JUST WENT THERE. Normal humans sweat and then it gets all nasty up under your watch band and nobody wants to deal with that.
A few years ago somebody decided to start slapping the velcro bands on watches. Apparently someone thinks this is stylish. Listen lady, it’s not. A) velcro is for children who cannot tie their shoes and B) for old men who have arthritis. NOBODY IN BETWEEN. PERIOD. Not to mention, the little velcro edges get caught on all sorts o’shit. Shirts, sweaters, small children. It’s better if we just remove velcro from the situation all together.
Which leaves just a basic canvas wrist band with a traditional buckle and small digital, face. Apparently that is not made anymore…..except if you buy it off amazon. Which is where I should have started shopping in the first place and avoided the whole nightmare of the mall.