Use By
I’m not what you would classify as your average packrat. I will throw things out, but there are certain items that I just don’t bother to riffle through to see if I need them or if they are good anymore. For example, cold medication. How often do you really use cold medication that you look at it weekly to determine if it’s still good?
Occasionally, I’ll get to the point where all the extra clutter bothers me and then I’m like a whirlwind. I’ll go through the whole house, tearing down plaster board if it means I can get rid of some more clutter. You’ve no idea the itch I get when I look at my husband’s computer desk and see crap everywhere. I start to twitch. I’ll come in with my dusting cloth and pretend to be dusting; really it’s just an attempt to THROW OUT EVERYTHING ON THE DESK.
The other day my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went into the medicine drawer (Yes, I have a whole drawer full of medicine, Band-Aids, arm slings, crutches, cathers… ok maybe not those last few items, but you get it). Anyways, he went in search of some cold medicine and came flying out of the bathroom like a raving lunatic. He was all, “Honey, do you know how old these are?”
Clearly the answer was “No” since the medication was obviously still there but the question had been posed. One of the boxes had expired back in August of 2005. Why is that bad? It’s only like 4 years. It’s not like on September 1, 2005 the pill turned to liquid poison. Come on, it’s like the 5 second rule. Drop something on the floor, pick it up within 5 seconds, and you’re still golden. Listen Lady, suck it up and pop the pill into your mouth, it’s bound to do something.
Hell, it might even produce a really funny story we can share with the kids when they are older. My compassion is overflowing sometimes.
Today I managed to finish off this container of peanuts. The sell by date is 3/10/09. Eh……4 months later and those nuts were pretty damn tasty! Though my left pinky toe has been twitching since I finished the last nut…
Punxsutawney Phil
Just day’s ago, New Jersey police had to pepper spray an aggressive groundhog as it had attacked a local resident. The New Jersey resident told police the rodent chased him when he entered his garage and tried to get his truck. Police Officers used pepper spray in the groundhogs eyes to snare it.
Listen Lady, you can’t even make this shit up.
Where do I even start…
1) Let’s begin with the ‘aggressive groundhog’ label. Was Phil wielding a machete or charging this resident, guns a’blazin’, screaming “TAKE NO PRISONERS.” I can picture it, behind him stood an army of lethal animals; squirrels, mice, and the most feared ladybug in the world. Outnumbered and overpowered, the New Jersey resident stood no chance against these foes. Defeat was inevitable. Massive casualties would be likely.
2) Chased you? You mean, it scurried after you and you ran around the house like a little girl wearing a tutu, screaming at the top of your lungs because you had a big fluffy HERBIVORE on your tail. What was it going to do, give you a nasty nick? I don’t think it would have caused severe arterial damage.
![groundhog]](http://listenladyblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/groundhog.jpg "groundhog]")
3) Tried to get your truck. Really? How tall was this thing? Did it even reach your shins? I’m pretty sure that had it taken you down, and hog-tied you, more than likely, it wasn’t going to be able to levitate long enough to open the door to the truck and hop in the cab. While Phil may have enjoyed a scenic stroll in your Ford, I doubt he would have gotten far as his arms would be too short to make a complete rotation with the steering wheel.
4) Pepper Spray? Are you kidding me? A swift kick wouldn’t have worked? Or, I know, A NET. Save the pepper spray for the humans. Based on the recollection of the resident though, I would have been hesitant to use the pepper spray if I were the cops. I mean, Phil could have turned vile and ordered his soldiers to attack the police. It would probably have been best if they called in the hostage negotiator and talked the groundhog down. You just can never be two careful with these furballs.
Here’s to marriage!
Last night we held a combined bachelor/bachelorette party for some good friends. We had planned to take a sunset cruise on Lake Ontario on a lovely catamaran dubbed, “Wild Hearts”. The name is so seductive, it makes you fall in love instantly; and then vomit a little. After the cruise the plan was to go to a bar for cocktails overlooking the lake.
Now, this was also important as it was only the second time my husband and I have been out ALONE, without child, since she was born and she’s almost 9 months old. NINE MONTHS. Unfortunately, things didn’t go quite as planned.
First, we fought off Thunder and Lighting.
Then a hail storm.
Then a tornado.
Then a monsoon.
Listen Lady, this is the middle of July. In Western New York. Usually we just see large bugs.
After about 30 minutes of this weather, the sunset cruise got canceled. We gave up on the whole lake thing and
changed our course of action to dinner and drinks at a local hibachi restaurant. Happily,we got to dine with Buddha and learn his wisdom. I even rubbed his belly.
We closed down the restaurant and headed over to a local martini bar where we were first greeted by a clown. Now, lets take this side tangent for a minute. I HATE CLOWNS. H-A-T-E. WITH A PASSION. They freak me out like nobody’sbusiness. Did you know that one of the most famous serial killers was a career clown and that’s how he picked out his victims. I rest my case.
After the clown incident, we were greeted by a lovely blond slut. Now, I say that in the nicest way possible. She came up to the bride-to-be and got about 2 millimeters from her face. (Ever seen the close-talker on seinfield? Yep, this was a close talker). This inflatable bimbo, with the most disgusting smile, was all “my friend booked a birthday party and she wants to be the only princess here.” Accordingly, I blinked.
I held back my tongue because as most of you know, I CANNOT stand girly things or princesses and I would have been every bit justified in simply knocking this blow up doll into next week. I very polietly informed the blond that her friend was going to have to deal and we were going to the back deck for a martini.
Five Martini’s later we decided to call it a night and get the tipsy bride-to-be back home. This is how far we got her before she collapsed. She spent the rest of the night sleeping here.
All in all, a great night and the perfect end to single life. Here’s to marriage!
My, what big teeth you have
I was running some errands today and happened to stop in a gift shop. As I was browsing I came across this super find.
LISTEN LADY, I HAVE TO GET ONE OF THESE!!! Anybody who cares to send one our way, please feel free to email me and I’ll give you the address.
Just look at that package. The kid on the left looks as though he is sporting an entire set of dentures at the mere age of 8 months. He even has a little comb-over going on.
Can you imagine what all the little old ladies would say? “Oh, good heavens, look at that poor baby’s mouth” or “For Pete’s sake, that’s not even funny”. (by the way, who the hell is pete?) This would certainly get their knickers in a twist.
On a side, I wonder if Billy Mays did the infomercial for this product.
Jenny from the block
For those who don’t know me well, I’m a Miami Dolphins fan. Have been since that fateful day I born and the dolphins played the packers…they lost, but that’s not the point. The franchise has had its fair share of fumbles lately, but I have stayed steadfast in my loyalty. Not caving to the Western NY theme of “following the Bills only because I live here”.
Things took a turn for the worse when Marino’s career was cut short by a running coach and then he was slaughtered by the Browns. (I was at that game; ask me sometime, I have quite the story of it). We have been on shaky ground since Marino retired and the team has gone through coaches faster than Brittany Spears has mental breakdowns.
The addition of Parcells last year as VP of Football Operations did not make me a happy camper. And then there was the $62 million dollar deal they struck with rookie Jake Long. But what put me over the top was the whole throw-down between Mr. VP of Football Operations and the well respected talents of Jason Taylor. YOU DON’T JUST THROW OUT YOUR BEST DEFENSIVE END. All in all, I must admit, the 2008-2009 season went far better than expected. Though it wasn’t hard to top; we came away from the 2007-2008 season with just one win.
With the unexpected turnaround and the playoff bearth last season, I had high hopes this time around.
Until yesterday. Alas, another MAJOR setback. And this time it’s in the form of a skinny, Latin singer. Marc Anthony has joined as a partner in the Miami Dolphin franchise. You have got to be kidding me!! Are we that desperate that we need to strike up contracts with mediocre singers who only happen to be famous because of the gigantic, junk in your trunk arse that they married?
Shocking as this is, he will perform during one of the home games. Do you think that was part of the deal? There are his laywers, sitting in the board room running numbers and he comes out with, “I’ll only invest Jennifer’s money if you let me sing during a game”.
Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I’ve got, I’m still…I’m still Jenny from the block. Listen Lady, pick up your husband, return to your block, and then purchase a buns of steel workout video.
I’m sure this will prove to be another fruitful season.