Banshee
This weekend we found a TV on sale at Best Buy for a fairly decent price. You will recall here and here that we were in need of a TV for the basement due to an unfortunate incident. Last night we rounded Cardin up and went out to buy the TV. Except that they were sold out. Super glad I trekked out in the pouring rain for that.
Since our trip to Best Buy didn’t last very long I asked Cardin if she would like to go to the mall. You see Internet, I’m glutton for punishment. This kid loves the mall, whereas I hate the mall. Luckily, she does not like to actually go shopping, she simply likes to walk around and go to one of two places: the pet store or the fountains. She could give a rats ass about the rest of the mall.
We indulged in the pet store and threw pennies into the fountain. As you can see from the picture, she doesn’t actually throw the pennies…its more of a light drop. Seriously…I could step over the barrier and pick up the pile of pennies she dropped in and we could start the whole process over again.
And then we tried to leave. Listen Lady, it was one of those times when you regret bringing your child somewhere because of their reaction. One of those times where you want to shrink and die because your kid is screaming so loudly that its echoing all the walls and people are staring at you as though you have a third arm growing out your bum.
When I told her we had to leave, Cardin went Banshee. In case you are unfamiliar, the word Banshee actually means omen of death. NOT FAR OFF LADY!! There is no other word to describe it. She was crying so hard and loud that she could not catch her breath. This is the first time I’ve ever seen her get so upset that she was literally fighting me to go back into the mall. I’m sure her little mind was cursing the F out of me. I imagine she was all “I will cut you woman”.
That is the last time we will ever go to the mall you demon child.
The Red Button
Since the death flu killed my blogging for a few days, I need to catch you up on our trip to Niagara Falls. I’ve been to Niagara Falls a bunch of times during the summer, but have never seen the Falls in the winter time. Internet….there is really only one difference….it’s much colder.
Our hotel room had a great view of the falls and it was nice to be able to overlook them as compared to standing eye level with them. You can certainty appreciate the magnitude of the rushing water much better when you are above the falls. I imagine the same would be true if you were standing at the bottom of the falls. Just a guess.
We were surprised by the amount of mist that seemed to constantly swirl over the horseshoe portion of the falls, at times it was near impossible to see any of the water. We even got to see the falls lit up at night, which was another thing that I have never seen, as our previous trips had only occurred during the daylight. This was pretty cool, though I can imagine it would suck to be the guy standing on the ledge, holding the flashlight.
Here are some photo’s for your viewing pleasure. First the American Falls and then the Horseshoe Falls.
This was all well and good, but the best part of our trip (minus the lack of puke) was the shoe shiner in our hotel room. Listen Lady, this little guy was a delight to have.
You can note that there is a single RED BUTTON on the top of the shoe shiner and EVERY TIME Brett or I walked by, we pushed the button for at least 5-10 seconds of delight. I found it extra enjoyable as the sneakers I brought have a mesh top. On the bright side, this mesh would allow for the spinning brushes of the shoe shiner to produce air flow that would circulate around my toes. On the not so great side, my toes and socks are usually freezing as the mesh allows water and rain to soak through.
It’s really a random piece of equipment to have in a hotel that surrounds Niagara Falls. I mean….what type of businessman is walking around the tourist area of the falls or sporting his penny loafers to the casino? Certainly not anyone playing the penny slots.
I’m pretty sure Brett would have brought the thing home if it weren’t for me telling him that it probably would cost us $200 on the room tab.
The Surprise
This Lady has been out of commission for a few days due to the death flu. HOLY HELL. Cardin got this stomach bug while we were up in Canada and then she infected my parents, myself, and Brett. I think it’s now spreading to the extended family as well. Since you routinely come here for too much information, I’ll pleasure you with this tidbit. Brett described this stomach flu as “similar to your butt hole being a super soaker water gun”. Excellent…let that ruminate.
While Cardin was sick, she managed to get really dehydrated and she lost 2 pounds. Normally this would be a great diet, but for someone of her small stature this is a significant drop in weight. Brett Lysol’d the hell out of the house today and Cardin has now strapped on the feedbag so hopefully we are all on the mend. Her appetite has skyrocketed and, along with a wheelbarrow full of other food, in the past two days she has eaten 4 banana’s. Internet, that’s a massive amount of potassium for a 2 year old. This kid isn’t going to crap for a month.
Before Cardin infected me, we managed to surprise Brett at work for his thirty birthday.
I conspired with one of his co-workers and got a whole bunch of decorations over to her so that she could decorate his cube while we were out of the country.
I even got that confetti stuff you sprinkle on the table and told her that she had my permission to sprinkle it ALL OVER his keyboard. He’ll be picking that shit out of his keyboard for months! Each time he’ll think of me….he’ll likely say a few choice words, but the point is I’ll still be on his mind.
I secretly took the day off and Cardin and I got some 30th birthday balloons and a big number cake in the shape of a 30. We showed up, unannounced to surprise him. He informed me that he knew I was the one behind all the decorations as well. So much for a nice, quiet passing of another year. Cardin couldn’t wait to eat the cake and she loves the balloons we bought for him. I let her pick out the colors and she walks around saying “daddieee’s ‘loons”.
I had been telling Brett for months that I was going to surprise him for his 30th. He wouldn’t know when or where, but I would sneak up like a ninja. His only response was that if I did this, he would have more time and ammunition to return the favor in about 18 months. Listen Lady, I know that this will not happen for one simple reason. I’m the planner, Brett is more of the fly by the seat of your pants, last minute person. There is nothing bad about this, we complement each other well. I have a month by month agenda on my phone, he has a 5 minute memory span….it evens out. However, I know that if any surprise happens, it’s because it won’t be him planning it. Seems to me Watson, that there is a challenge somewhere in that last sentence.
From one decade to another
It’s finally here, Brett’s Dirty Thirty!!!! Listen Lady, I’ve waited with patience and counted the minutes till I could announce that Brett has now started his 3rd decade on this earth. Each time I get to say that I do a little clap, ya know like those street performer monkeys who clap really fast and wear the fez hats.
Internet, let me tell you about how we started off our birthday adventure. After we had dropped Cardin off at my parents house, we were driving down their slush covered street. The temperatures had warmed slightly and the snow was starting to melt. Another car was approaching us and the driver had their window rolled down because they were smoking a cancer stick. As our car’s passed each other, we hit a huge slush pile and the tires from our car kicked slush so high that it shot, ever so accurately, directly through the drivers side window and pummeled the driver right in the face. I don’t think I could have been more accurate with an actual snowball.
Since I was in the passengers seat I didn’t have quite a clear view of this incident, but Brett got the full peep show. After his car had chucked a slush ball at the woman’s face he deicded his best option was to just keep driving. Didn’t stop, didn’t slow down, just moseyed his car right along as though he had not given the poor lady a face full of slush.
We made it through customs in an uneventful fashion, though the customs agent asked us what we do for a living? Does that matter? Do you really expect someone to be all “well, I make bombs” or “well I’m the project manager for evil terrorists threats”?
Over the next couple days we lost money at the casinos, slept, did some shopping (most of which was for Cardin), and just walked around to look at the falls. Mostly we did nothing that required advance planning. Also, there were two occassions where we were eating a lovely meal and some child sitting within ear shot let out a burp/gag. You see, the ability to eat a meal without the presence of this burp/gag and the resulting vomit was one of the main points of our trip, but it seemed to be following us. It was as if it was taking on it’s own life-form, haunting our every meal. It freezes us, we stop chewing, and our eyes start darting around as though we were being interrogated.
We hit up the hotel bar last night around 10 ish so that we could ring in Brett’s acutal birthday at midnight. We tossed back a few drinks, most of which were free because people kept ordering beer and sending them back or the bartendar “accidently” mixed too much. We got a delicious oreo cookie desert thingy, although Brett would not let me put a candle on it and sing “You are the wind beneath my wings”. I’m still not sure why.
We are heading to duty free shortly and then headed back. We miss Cardin and people say ‘eh’ constantly. You know how many times we’ve heard that sentence ender? Oh and my other favorite…when people ask you where you are from and then they are all “oh RoDchester, yea you can just jump on ‘the 90’ and be here in like a hour”. I cringe and want to slap them for saying ‘the 90’ like its an object that has emotions and a soul. At least the canunks call it Pop or I might have a small seizure when I listen to them talk.
There is more celebration planned, but for now we’re off. Happy Birthday Brett.
29 reasons why
1 more day!!!!!!!
Brett and I are actually in another country right now so I’ve been having my assistant publish them for me. And by assistant I mean Cardin. And by another country I mean Canada….it still counts lady.
Originally we were supposed to go to Las Vegas for a combined vacation. One that would celebrate his 30th and our 5 year anniversary all in one big she-bang. Who knows, we might have even renewed our vows at the same chapel Brittany Spears used not so long ago. Wouldn’t that just be a story for our grandchildren.
Alas, we found out in December, during one wicked snow storm, that my tires were shot to hell. Now, I probably could have replaced them with less expensive tires and we could have still gone on our trip, but, ever the responsible party, I nixed the trip and we bought me really good tires. Internet, I’m expecting these tires to be at my funeral we spent enough on them.
SO instead of getting to scream, Vegas, Baby! I bought Brett a big screen TV and we settled for a weekend getaway to Niagara Falls. Clearly not as cool and spicy as Vegas, but there is a casino and most importantly, it would not include us having to clean up puke after every meal from our dear, talented daughter.
In honor of the single, solarty day remaining in your twenties, I give you
29 reasons why I like growing old with you:
29) When we go out to dinner, you still pay. Even though it’s our money, it still makes me feel good.
28) You give me your coat when I’m cold or Cardin has puked on mine.
27) You let me use the remote.
26) You listen to me….usually.
25) You take care of me when I’m a little too tipsy for my own good.
24) You make me laugh.
23) You will forever be a toys r us kid and we will always fight over who looks at the Christmas toy book first.
22) You understand me, even when I don’t deserve it.
21) The changes you made in your career so we could have a better life.
20) I can’t sleep now unless you are snoring next to me.
19) You’ve given up your man cave for a playroom.
18) You step in front of us when you question someone’s motives.
17) You make me go to bed early when I’m sick because you know I won’t take care of myself.
16) You don’t complain about my cooking and you are willing to be my guinea pig.
15) You encourage my fetish for funny t-shirts.
14) You got me a cat, even though you are allergic to them
13) You purposefully try to talk to me when I’m falling asleep so I say weird things.
12) You won’t hold my hand unless we interlace fingers, otherwise you’ll feel like an old married couple.
11) You always ask me how my day at work was, even when you know it was crappy.
10) You always tell me to splurge even when it’s something we don’t really need.
9) The first station programmed in your car is country, even though you hate it.
8) You help me with math problems and you never miss a chance to tease me about it.
7) You pull the car into the garage so I don’t have to step outside in a snowbank or puddle of water.
6) You keep me up-to-date on techie news and I never have to worry about updating my iphone or itunes.
5) You’d rather pizza and pj’s than a night out on the town.
4) You’re stubborn and you challenge me, but we manage to makeup pretty well.
3) You dream about the future with me.
2) You are a wonderful father and I know with all my heart, that you would move mountains for Cardin.
And the number one reason why I like growing old together
1) CAUSE YOU HAVE TO DO IT BEFORE ME.