Clap or Die!
This past weekend we took Cardin to Disney on Ice. We had been preparing her all week that the guys from Lion King and Little Mermaid would be skating on the ice. Though, I prefer her chopped word of “kating” over the proper pronunciation of the word.
Before the show started we bought the obligatory toy that is required for all children in attendance. 
Cardin selected a 12 inch plastic Minnie and Mickey at the price of twelve bucks a pop. Of course she insisted on having both and not just one character. I’m too much of a schmuck to say no. Forget Brett…he’d buy his little girl one of every toy.
Listen Lady, I really must commend the marketers for these shows, as they know all the tricks for swindling as much money out of poor, unsuspecting parents as possible. You see internet, they have at least a dozen souvenir stands. Not only have they increased the ease at which you can find a souvenir by covering more surface area, but they have also increased your exposure to them. And of course every time your kid walks by a different stand they are attracted to the overstimulation of sound and light and thus beg for another toy. One which, more than likely, be destroyed within a few days.
We arrived at our seats and were pleasantly surprised to find that we had a few rows of adequate spacing. Happy that nobody was going to be all up in my buisnazzz, I spread out our belongings across a few seats. The show began within a few minutes and immediately Cardin was in a trance. A bomb could have gone off at the other end of the arena and her stare wouldn’t have budged.
After a few minutes the characters from the Lion King started to skate out and do a little rendition of “I’m gonna be a mighty King”. Lion King is one of her favorite movies and we have watched it about 10 zillion times. She has her own language when referring to the characters:
lions are “roarssss”
timon is “moan”
Zazu is “bird”
Elephants are “PHWWAAUUUAAHHH”
Monkeys are “bobo’s”
After every song, the arena would burst into a clapping fit and Cardin would catch on. This continued and each time the arena applauded for the performers she would look at Brett or I and scream, “CLAP”. And not in a subtle way, more like a Gestapo swinging a sledgehammer to your head sort of way. It became such a joke that we began to purposefully not clap just to see her reaction. Is it horrible that I provoke my child in such a way? Probably, but I’m ok with it because I know there will be a time when she tries to elicit a reaction out of me.
By the end of the night, the three action figures were worn out.
Wherein we dismantle the TV stand
Brett turns 30 in 40 days, not that I have a countdown going or anything. Originally we were going to go to Vegas and celebrate his birthday and our 5 year anniversary. That didn’t work out so well when we had a big snowstorm and I found out that I needed new tires; $900 later, we weren’t going to Vegas anymore. We looked at a couple other options, but decided that it just wasn’t fiscally responsible anymore, what with the things we had coming up in 2011; weddings, grad parties, showers, a retirement party for my Dad. We had also hoped to take another trip this summer with Cardin.
With disappointment, we let go of the Vegas idea. This required me to think of another gift that wasn’t boring in stature, significantly overpriced, and also worthy of a 30th birthday. Brett has wanted a big screen HDTV for quite some time and I have refused such a purchase, telling him that we cannot get a new one until the one downstairs bites the dust. Noting that the TV cannot “accidently” fall off the stand. I finally broke down and decided that the 10 year old TV needs to be replaced and this would suffice as a 30th birthday gift.
That is….until we brought the thing home. See this is the TV we bought a 47 inch LG HDTV.
Listen Lady, it doesn’t look that large in the store when you’re standing there comparing their sizes; sort of like a guy’s locker room. WHAT? Like that’s never happened in a locker room? Rubbish.
Once we got the TV home, we figured out that it was going to be too wide for our TV stand. You see internet, our TV 
stand is more or less like a cabinet. It looks very similar to this…with shelves on either side and a top that spans that length of the cabinet. With a burst of ingenuity, I suggested we take out the shelves completely as we could more than easily fit the TV into the cabinet and would have space, width wise.
Dismantle step #1- remove shelves from a pre-constructed TV cabinet. Not as easy as one might imagine. Choice words were used.
PERFECT. Except for one little thing… the TV still didn’t fit because it was too tall when the stand was in place. REALLY TV? Do you require that extra inch cause that’s all I need here. Apparently balancing the TV in place without use of the stand was not an option.
Dismantle step #2- remove the top of the pre-constructed TV cabinet. This was far easier, especially since we had already removed the shelves. Luckily the sides of the cabinet do not depend on structural support from the top.
Currently, the TV is sitting in this cabinet, but it has no top. We’re not sure what to do now. Buy a new stand, keep the current but dismantled stand, or Macqyver something together so the cabinet doesn’t look like a teenager going through their awkward phase.
Using your head
Santa brought Cardin Hungry Hungry Hippo’s for Christmas and, by golly am I ever glad that little game dropped into our household. It’s a knee-slapper if I ever knew one. LOUDEST GAME IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Coming home from a hard day at work to chomping hippos is AWESOME.
Listen Lady, we’ve made some modifications to the rules. Instead of pounding on the hippo with your hand, you use your head. This will help increase massive blood flow to the brain.
Benefits of this include: elation from excessive oxygen consumption and freedom of extremities.
Side effects include but are not limited to: headache, concussion, facial scaring, optical damage, hair disasters.
Ready…..And Go
Is it safe to build a fire indoors?
Remember when you were a kid and you got all excited to run out after school and get the mail, hoping that there would be mail with your name embossed onto the envelope. A small cheering squad would appear, playing pomp and circumstance, as you opened the mailbox and reached your hand in to behold your destiny. More often than not, you’d come back empty handed. Disappointed that you didn’t get the acceptance letter to Hogwarts or the Highlights magazine, you would trudge up the driveway and begrudgingly hand your mom the stack of useless envelopes. Little did you know that your mom despised those “useless” envelopes as they were a reminder of a responsibility you did not yet understand.
You see internet, there is no longer joy and wonder involved in getting the mail. No more pomp and circumstance. In fact, only elevated blood pressure is associated with task as the bills outweigh the magazines and cards. More often than not it seems that the bills are incorrect and I must call and complain to some manager or another in order to straighten out the financial inconsistency.
And then we had the topper of all bills last week. The gas and electric bill for the usage we had in December. Typically we expect the bill to be between $150-$200 around this time of year; average consumption for a cold month, plus you throw in the fact that the Christmas lights were on.
You could imagine how far my mouth fell when I opened the bill and read $592.68. Let me just spell that number out for you so you can understand the brevity of the situation. FIVE HUNDRED NINETY TWO DOLLARS and SIXTY EIGHT CENTS. Listen Lady, there are just no words for me to describe the horror that appeared on my face. A cold sweat broke out on my brow as I went to show Brett the disaster. His reaction was, unsurprisingly, similar to mine. The only words we could find were….”But, how?”
About a week before we got the December bill, I had read the meter and submitted the readings, but the meter had not been read since July. Apparently the estimates that the gas company was using for the previous 6 months were COMPELTY WRONG and now we get to play makeup. FML. That and our apparent increased usage has been remedied with new, strict guidelines. They are as follows:
1) we now light the house by candle
2) we all take a bath with the same water, which is warmed outside, over the fire
3) we heat the house with a fire pit that was previously used for Bonfires
I’ll be selling a kidney to pay for this bill. Bidding begins now. If the next bill is anything similar than we’ll be listing our house on Nothnagle and moving into a nice boxed community, complete with meth addicts and hookers.
When you’re here, you’re family.
About a week ago my parents and daughter met me for lunch at Olive Garden. Since they watch Cardin during the day, they occasionally bring her out to see me for lunch. My dad had some time off for the holidays and before he started working again he was offering up soup, salad, and breadsticks. How do you refuse a good Olive Garden Breadstick?
Even still, I was hesitant. We’ve had “incidents” of the bodily fluid type at Olive Garden before and I was in no mood for an encore. My dad, who is referred to as POPPA, assured me it would be fine. LIAR. EAT YOUR WORDS. Last time I ever listen to his advice.
As we settled into the booth, I got the booster seat ready for my daughter. See….we bring our own as it has a tray you can attach to the front. This has nothing to do with my OCD about sanitation. We bring our own for puke catching purposes as the tray provides an adequate splash zone area. This was vital as before our food had even arrived we had experienced not one, but two of Cardin’s deadly man burps. TWO.
I refer to them as man burps because they are so violently loud you would think that a 45 year old, beer drinker was sitting at your side, when in fact it’s just a toddler. Listen Lady, I’m certain you still don’t appreciate the velocity at which these burps are released. Let me assure you, people at other tables hear them in noisy restaurants and turn their heads. In fact the waiter just happened to be asking us a question when, from the depths of her soul Cardin released the second man burp. He was so caught off guard, he actually stopped mid-sentence and said “WHOA”.
I figure if this trend continues, my hair will have turned completely gray from the anxiety these outbursts cause. When they occur you freeze, as though you were a deer in headlights, just waiting to be pummeled by the oncoming car.
We got our food and Cardin was not really interested in eating her spaghetti, though I did force some in her mouth when she entered a trance-like state watching Dora. Just as she was finishing her lunch, she let roar with another of the deadly man burps. Inevitably, the burp was followed by the resurgence of her spaghetti and cantaloupe. THIS IS WHY I BRING A BOOSTER SEAT TO RESTAURANTS.
I was able to salvage Cardin’s clothes, but the tray was overflowing. Since my dad claimed that we would have no incidents at lunch, his punishment was to remove the tray of vomit and carry it through the restaurant so that it could be disposed of in the restroom. We commonly refer to this as the walk of shame.
As a side, before I left for lunch, I was wearing two shirts; a t-shirt and a sweater. I decided, for safety purposes, to remove the sweater and just attend lunch with the t-shirt. My hunch was right as I was unable to avoid the splash zone this time around. Good thing I’m a pessimist and have no faith in my daughter’s ability to have one calm, upchuck free restaurant meal.
At the end of the saga I was more than ready to leave Olive Garden and head for more barren land. I informed my offspring that we will not be going out to a public venue again until she reaches the age of 10.