Rate Increase My A%@!
Remember when getting the mail used to be super cool and your couldn’t wait to see if there was a letter waiting for you. You would search through the pile, fingers crossed, that Santa did not forget about you and then rip into a letter only to find out it was addressed to “current resident”. Saddened, you would walk away wondering who that was cause you certainly didn’t have a sibling named “current resident” and it would be about 15 years before you realized that was a generic label. Common sense didn’t really get passed down to me OK!
Then I had to grow up and buy a house and now every time I open the mailbox bills fall into my lap. There is no more excitement. No more joy in going to the mailbox. And damn it, but “current resident” is all over half the crap I get here too!
Anyways…we got out latest car insurance bill and of course, the rate went up even though neither myself nor my husband have gotten tickets and we both have BRAND NEW CARS WITH BETTER SAFETY FEATURES. Clearly this all make sense stupid insurance man. As you can tell I’m pretty livid about the whole situation. I think that these insurance companies specifically send bills out on Thursday afternoon so that customers are guaranteed to get them on Saturday and then stew over it for the rest of the weekend. Psychologically this makes sense right? I get the bill and then I have 2 days to calm down before I give them a call. That is unless you live in my world. Listen Lady, two days only increases my pissed offedness even more that I can’t call and dispute this matter immediately.
This morning I got on my soapbox bright and early to my insurance agent to question this increase. The agent is all “there has been a general increase across the board”. And I’m all “REALLY? That is super funny because that is the same excuse I got 6 months ago when I called about the previous renewal and that rate increase”.
…
Pause and trepidation.
…
You know you have them when they get the lump in their throat. Then it’s time to go for the throat. Gun’s a’blazing you whip out the bill from the previous renewal and you rattle off the individuals name you spoke with and their employee number. GOLD I TELL YOU. GOLD.
Except for the part where the agent says, “we need to look into this and get back to you ma’am”. It appears as though I am up against a foe of equal determination and stubbornness. Fear not, my strategy for world domination will prove fruitful…or I’ll just switch to a different insurance provider.
Tivo saves the day again…
I was watching sesame street the other day with my daughter and Elmo was talking about noses. The furry red monster was asking kids if all different objects have noses. He asked if a bowl could have a nose or a baseball glove. And then he asked if an airplane could have a nose.
Tell me this doesn’t conjure up some interesting images? Listen Lady, sesame street isn’t a live television show, its pre-recorded, so you can’t even use the excuse that a producer or editor or HELL EVEN THE GUY WHO MOPS THE FLOOR didn’t see this image and say “hmmm….perhaps Elmo should ask if some other NON-PHALLIC object has a nose?”
Really fulfilling that motto of being educational for children. Keep going. Maybe Big Bird can explain the birds and the bees too.
Thank god for Tivo so I could pause and capture the moment.
$125 for that?!?
The other day I went to get my hair done for a friends wedding and as I was waiting for the stylist to finish with her last victim, an elderly woman came up to the counter to pay for her recent cut and style. Now when I say elderly, I’m not talking about “fresh from 55” elderly, I mean “should have been picking out a coffin” elderly. There was no way this spring chicken was less than 95 years old. TRUST ME. Her twin peaks had gone from saluting our grand flag to barely being able to lift a finger. Forget about her grand kids needing a Koosh ball. She would have to check these as separate pieces of luggage when she traveled. It reminded me of an orangutan.
Sorry…got distracted by the boobs again, so there I am waiting for my stylist and this elderly woman is paying. Without pause I hear the stylist say “it will be $125 dollars Agnus”. OK, where do I even start. Listen Lady, the name alone proves that she is at least 90 years old because I’m sure the social security administration hasn’t seen that name come through since Christ was a cub scout. And I’m all thinking “DAMN WOMAN, your hair will look awesome when your niece finds that you’ve sweltered in your house this summer because you couldn’t afford a FAN after the $125 you just spent on your hair.”
Now, just to clear up confusion, I’m not girly, so anything over the price of $10 for a haircut seems RIDICULOUS. It is just going to grow back again. Beyond the cost, the number of hair follicles this lady had remaining would qualify her as president of the hair club for men so I’m not quite sure what she spent over a hundred bucks on. I bet you $10 bucks though that she could so pull off, “Not only am I the president, but I’m a member too!”
Walmart Muse.
I was just checking my email and ya know how companies pay for their ad to pop up ALL over the Internet browser and how completely annoying and equally brilliant this idea is because inevitably, I’m going to look at the damn advertisement. This time around, the ad was for the Walmart clothing line “Grananimals” and I was immediately drawn because of the CREEPY looking monkey they use as their brand logo.
Listen Lady, all I’m saying is that there is a striking similarity between the Grananimals monkey and Shawn Hunter. I’m hoping that Topanga declined the offer first or you know she’s going to be pissed.
How do you like your eggs ma’am?
My kid refuses to eat dinner lately. No idea why. She eats breakfast and lunch as if she were one of those poor little kids you see on the “save the children” infomercials. All the while the host reminds you that changing the channel is like saying no to these starving children. And I’m all…click to the next channel; without remorse.
On top of the outright refusal to eat she hasn’t sprouted a tooth yet. She looks like my 80 year old grandpa when he removes his dentures; her gums all flappin’ when she says “momma”. On a side, do you think they make baby dentures? No teeth leave little to the imagination of food she can actually gum to death.
We tried playing with the food and making faces on the highchair tray. No go. We’ve tried putting her in front of the TV to distract. Worked for a little while and then she figured out what I was trying to do and kicked me in the shins. On to my new method…food mixture.
Last night I made her a scrambled egg figuring it was new and soft enough that she could gag it down with little to no effort and there is the added benefit of protein. Three spoons later and I have a face full of egg. AWESOME. And people tell me that I’ll actually want more children after experiencing all the joys she can bring to me. 
Fear not though Lady, I had a plan B; vanilla pudding. J-E-L-L-O. We made it 5 spoonfuls without a hissy fit so I figure this is going pretty damn well. And then I get a genius idea. Confucius like.
Mix the scrambled egg with the vanilla pudding!
Listen Lady, I don’t care how it tastes as long as she EATS IT. I’m not going to have her walking around in shredded clothes, no shoes on her feet, a fly on her face, asking some poor stranger not to change the channel. Would it have been any better if the eggs are green? Dr. Seuss would so be on my side.
And just think, she had protein and calcium all in one. Please, save your applause while I go up and get my mother of the year award.